Saturday, October 18, 2008

Coming Across Insecurities (Truly Unfinished)

Have you ever wondered why you don't do certain things?
Have you ever thought about the reason why your heart jumps to your throat every time that certain situation comes around?

I have and I still don't know the exact reason. Now, I know that I'm a modest guy. I look around me and I see guys who can think on their feet about getting a woman of their choice. I guess you can see where this blog is heading toward.

I remember when I was small, every time when a girl would say hi to me I would hesitate before saying hi back. Why have I done that? As I got older, girls started to call me "ugly" and "blacker than charcoal" and what not. And it hurt, it hurt really badly. I mean, I felt like crawling into a ball and crying. And that's what they wanted I guess, and I fell for it. Those words kept coming at me, hitting me at every angle. Like rain pelting on someone who has no umbrella; I just drench. And with that wetness, I developed a cold, so-to-speak. This cold stayed with me until I got to junior high, and high school.

The same story, one in particular had me gasping for air. I was walking down the hall one day. I was heading toward my typing class. As I walked past this girl, I saw her turned her head. I mean, I saw it on the corner of my eye. And I heard her say, "He's grotesque." The word hit me hard, but it confused me. It confused me so much that I had to look it up. And when I read the definition I was like, "Damn, I'm that ugly?" And I knew it was low of me to say that about myself, but that's how I felt. And all these images of the people calling me those same horrible words came flooding back.

And all this had added up. I really couldn't compete with the harshness of those memories. One of my favorite bands, Disturbed, made song (Pain Redefined) that had a line saying: "Memories don't lie, you know better then, memories don't lie." And they don't, these memories inflicted true pain on me. It still hurts to this day.

I really can't go on with this blog, tears are falling from my eyes. Ha ha, the things I do to express myself, right?


mike said...

This is a really powerful and interesting post and shows your depth as a human being and as a writer.

Damn good stuff!

a Mess of Jess said...

Wow, this is such a big thing to write, really! to unearth these kinds of emotions sucks but it honestly makes your stronger. you should be proud of yourself :)

mariposa said...

I'm so sorry that girls did that to you - that's terrible. But, I also have to add, that's an amazing post - it's like I can see the feeling flowing from it.